Meddlefan did an interview with a very interesting man earlier in the year, but due to all the usual shite and the editor being a slack bastard it got held back for a while. Today on this day of days (whatever fucking day that may be), we are delighted to bring you one of the strangest interviews he has ever done, and that’s saying something if you are a regular follower of our good mate Meddle, as he is well known for asking the questions that most dare not ask!
With that, we will let the subject introduce himself! (Please note, there are not many photo’s of the artist in this one, as he lives in a far off… oh never mind you will get the idea, so we decided to put pictures of other things in that suit the mood, as you will see!)
“I’m Koth Dolgomoru. I’m the dude from the one-man band Chopping Mall.”
What are some things you can tell me about yourself just off the top of your head?
“I eat, and I can fly into a green castle. I make heavy fuckin’ metal songs that will help you with your life.”
And can you share with the readers where you grew up perhaps?
“Way up in the woods. Some say they are haunted woods. They are way up North. Beyond the supper clubs, beyond the other, more nearby woods.”
So where do you now call home?
“A coffin in the woods.”
Where may we so bold as to ask did you get your rather intriguing creative style from?
“Most of it from the woods, the rest of it from the refrigerator. The fridge is filled with all kinds of weird old food. And there’s so much fucked-up shit in there in the woods, trust me. Wolves, bears, beavers, platypus, toads, walleye, ducks… And they all want you dead!”
What approach did you use when writing the majestically titled “Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From It’s Eyesockets.”
“The fast, “who cares” approach. Seriously, fuck this album. Fuck all albums. I wrote all the music in just a couple of days. Wasting time on lyrics is stupid, so I set a 5-minute timer for writing each set of lyrics. It’s a parameter that I followed very strictly. No matter how dumb what I wrote was, I had to keep it. Fuck lyrics. Sitting around pining over lyrics with a dictionary and a thesaurus is for dumb emo nerds who wear glasses and eat Nutella and drink kombucha while they cry about their stupid feelings. I have more important things to tell you about, things that will help you survive in the woods and in the kitchen. And then I have more time leftover to eat hoagies and chug Old Style & Strohs.”
That is certainly one fucking awesome album cover man. Where and how did you come up with this idea?
“Thanks, that’s the work of an incredible artist named Timbul Cahyono. He does lots of amazing work for Grindcore & Death Metal bands. I knew one thing right from the start, and that’s that the name of the album was going to be “Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets.” So I figured that’s what should be on the cover, because let’s face it, we are being real here. We aren’t fucking around. That’s exactly what’s on the cover. I mean, can you imagine that? You’re out camping in the woods, you’ve got your tent and lantern, and you’re roasting marshmallow over your crackling campfire… When suddenly there’s a sparkly magic mist! And then this big fuckin’ bear comes out of the mist, and it tears you to shreds and then scalding hot liquid cheese sprays from its eye sockets, causing serious burns to your decimated carcass! Dude, that would be FUCKED UP.”
I love the old school vibe. Short brutal songs. Why did you decide to go with this direction above any other?
“I have tons of important things to say, and lots of urgent warnings about the dangers of food poisoning, magic, and forest animals that have one thing in mind… your carcass.”
What would be some of your favourite hobbies, care to share?
“I fancy myself as a nature guide. The problem is, nobody comes on my nature walks. So there I am most of the time, walking through the woods, talking to myself, feeling like a total asshole! Also I cook pizzas and I search for hoagies.”
There are some great issues on this album many would be unaware of until now. How did you decide which ones to use?
“There is a sense of urgency. I’m like, dude, I need to tell people about this. I need them to hear these truths. And you know what, it might be difficult to hear. But guess what… Tough shit! I’m trying to help you!”
Most certainly, like who hasn’t been burned by fucking popcorn steam ha-ha-ha. Did you write this song right after it first happened to you?
“Let’s get something straight… those warnings are on the package for a reason. People think they’re really cool and they are going to impress their friends by opening the bag of popcorn directly in front of their stupid face. But it’s like, look you fucking idiot, you should have read the warnings. Now you pay the price as the hot steam burns your face! Okay, now please, everybody learn from that!”
“Shitting In Joel Oalsteen’s Mouth.” I am positive a lot of people would like to do something like that to him. What made you decide on shitting in his mouth instead of many other ways of getting him?
“That guy is a known fecophile, meaning he likes shit and eats it too, as a food source. Also he is a piece of shit, so that makes sense. The song is about how in secret he pays hookers to poo on him. So that isn’t some kind of vengeance fantasy… it’s real. It is basically a documentary. It’s gross, I know. But that’s just what’s up with that dude.”
So do you REALLY like camping or are you just pulling our proverbial legs?
“I do. It’s really nice. It’s fun to go on camping trips and spend time in the woods. With your family and friends. Or alone, because you have no friends.”
What do you do for fun then when not frolicking in the woods?
“I eat. A LOT. I also make heavy fuckin’ metal.”
I’m curious, how do you make your Meatloaf? Or do you hate Meatloaf?
“I’ve never made it, but I would caution anyone who chooses to purchase it that you should make sure it’s at a safe temperature, and the company from which it came adheres to OSHA workplace safety standards. Otherwise who knows what the fuck is in there, it could be made of toad bones or something. So please, know where your meatloaf comes from, buy it from a reputable source or make your own so long as it’s under sanitary conditions. Same thing goes for souse, headcheese, braunschweiger, and even Malt O Meal.”
What is some crazy shit you have done that you can talk about?
“I’ve thrown sandwiches against the wall so hard that they explode into a hundred pieces. I’ve also put dried spaghetti into an industrial ceiling fan so it was shredded and pieces of it flew everywhere. I’ve also gotten into a fight with a statue. And yes… I lost.”
Are you writing a new album now? Or do you already have more material to share soon?
“I currently have a backlog of over 362 songs. Right now I’m trying to sell “Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets.” I sure hope it does well.”
Who would you say are your favourite books/authors ?
“I really like Beetle Bailey, Spy Vs. Spy, and Archie.”
Do you like sci fi and fantasy?
“Hell yeah. I am huge into all that stuff. I wish it was real. That would be cool.”
Do you have a Favourite horror character, and if so Why?
“If we’re just talking characters from horror movies, that would be Hudson from Aliens. He was my favorite and I was really upset when the aliens got him. It still makes me upset if I watch it now. I cope with this by choosing to believe that after he got pulled under the floorboards, he kicked all the aliens in the balls and punched some of them in the face, narrowly escaping to a nearby escape pod. Then he launches into space, and returns many years later where he opens a place called Hudson’s Bar & Grill, and he is like the best bartender ever and the burgers are really good. That’s what I choose to believe.”
I look forward to another great album man. Thank you for doing this interview with me!
And there you go. Will we ever get another interview as bat shit crazy as this one, or is this man a total fucking genius? Most of us think the latter, so many thanks to him for the interview, and below are some of our thoughts!
Mr. Swine –
Some years ago, I lamented the lack of fun in the Grindcore world. Everything had turned so serious it seemed, and I yearned for a return to a simpler time, when half of the fun of listening to a grindcore band was reading the song titles, and the music was nothing more than just a noisy cacophony played at break-neck speed. If bands were making such music at the time, they were not showing up on my radar.
The moment I saw the title of Chopping Mall’s album, “Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets,” I knew they had answered the call to inject some fun back into Grindcore’s disgusting and deformed body! And while musically the band falls more on the side of Death Metal, the spirit of fun of Grindcore is present throughout, and the song titles alone are worth the price of admission. The songs are short and to the point, never getting caught up in taking themselves too seriously. The closest this album gets to pure ‘Grindcore’ is the two second long “Ruined Food,”though this is more like “You Suffer” played at 1/8th speed. I know that math doesn’t add up, just trust me on this.
The band seems particularly obsessed with food, with most of the song titles making some sort of food reference (“Forced To Eat Moldy Granola,” “Burned By Hot Popcorn Steam,” “Formed Into Meatloaf,” etc…). There are also frequent mentions of animals (“Dismembered By Mossy Elk Antlers,” “Impaled By Elephant Tusks,” etc…). Sometimes it is food and animals (“Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets.”) And shit (“Shitting In Joel Oalsteen’s Mouth.”) Other times, its animals and shit (“Plastered In Unicorn Feces.”) A pretty wide range of topics, as you can see.
Undoubtedly, the highlight of the album isn’t even Metal at all, rather the album closing, epic 7-minute long country ditty/comedy sketch, titled simply “Barbecue.” I won’t spoil the fun, you just need to hear this for yourself.
What else is there to say? This isn’t a band trying to take Metal to its next evolutionary level, or trying to make an artistic statement, socio-political statement, or any kind of statement really. And that’s precisely the reason why this album has made such a splash with the rag-tag group of metalheads collectively known as The Metal Wanderlust. This could end up being one of the stand out Metal releases of 2020, because it gives something that the world sorely needs right now. FUN! Sometimes, fun is all you need.
Stand-up comedy fans have all checked out an album or special where the comic cracks up at one of their own REALLY dumb jokes, muttering something like, “That was fuckin’ RIDICULOUS!” That was my first thought about this album: ridiculous and STOOPID, but in a totally fun way.
The somewhat mysterious Chopping Mall delivers a somewhat mysterious album in the form of “Mauled By A Magical Bear With Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying From Its Eyesockets,” and the mystery is—“WHY?” Presumably, the answer is, “Why not?” and, well…fucked if I have an answer to that one! I have friends who got turned on to Carcass because they thought titles such as “Genital Grinder” and “Lavaging Expectorate of Lysergide Composition” were hilarious, but their over the top lyrics (and especially album covers) had something to say underneath. Hardly the case here, unless I’m missing out on the social commentary or sardonic wit of “Burned By Hot Popcorn Steam” or “Gurgling Vomit From the Mouth of An Engorged Walrus.”
Focusing on the positive, the album features a really nice dry, abrasive guitar tone and much the same can be said of the vocals. There’s clearly some skill going into this, so knowing as little as I do about Chopping Mall, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that sole band member Koth Dolgomoru is actually the pseudonym of a more well-known musician.
Overall, this is the sort of thing which is highly entertaining in small doses but wears thin pretty rapidly. Great for mixes and shuffle play, not so much for full albums. “Plastered in Unicorn Feces,” with its driving rhythms, DID win my attention back, though, as did “Formed Into Meatloaf” with its ascending riff. And the country-fried “Barbecue” closes things out on a pleasant note sure to rouse some fond remembrances of Jeff Walker Und Die Fluffers’ “Welcome to Carcass Cuntry” release of far too long ago. While it may not match the brilliance of that album, it’s certainly no Impaled Northern Moonforest, either. Worth more than one listen, but don’t be surprised if most of them are a result of you telling your friends, “Hey, check this out…”
Rating – 3.5/5
VUK (The Magnificent) –
I came about hearing Chopping Mall around the same time as my fellow Metal Wanderlusters. The decision to develop a group review was made pretty early on, and we all had a great deal of fun chatting about the record. I made a CD copy of it and listened to it a time or three, and then I kind of forgot about it. Other things came up, and it just fell off my radar.
A few days ago, while visiting my parents, my Dad (a 78-year-old Lutheran Minister and avid Outlaw Country Music lover) walked up to me with a sort of smirk on his face and handed me that burnt Chopping Mall CD. Apparently, when the album fell off my radar I had left it in the disc player in his truck. He said, “At first I thought it was just a CD I forgot about, and then I just kept listening to it because I couldn’t believe I was actually hearing what I was hearing. This is… an interesting piece of songwriting.” We had quite a laugh about it, and I went home.
I couldn’t shake wondering what song (or songs) my Dad listened to before he shut the thing off. So I texted him. What follows is transcript of that text exchange:
Vuk: “Hey Dad. Out of curiosity, did that Chopping Mall song you heard have anything to do with a barbecue?”
Vuk’s Dad: “Guess I should have listened more closely or maybe longer. Eyes oozing out of omelets or waffles, a really striking image. You know how you get hung up on something like that, kind of hypnotic, you miss what’s next when the really cool stuff spills out. Don’t think I was composed enough to catch the barbecue part. Another of those tunes you just have to listen again to get the big picture.”
Vuk: “Understandable. You were caught up in the moment and didn’t have all of your faculties about you. This is why you should always carry your voice recorder. For the special occasions. Unexpected bits of wisdom or inspiration.”
Vuk’s Dad: “Feels good to experience understanding, and you’re so right about the voice recorder. Haven’t become used to having that nearby.”
Vuk: “So, to be clear, you’re basically saying that Chopping Mall taught you a valuable life lesson?”
Rating – 4/5
The Great Mackintosh –
I just fucking love this release. Sure you have to be of a certain mind set to truly appreciate some of the lyrical content, but as far as solid music goes, holy mouldy cheesecake Batman this is some seriously heavy shit! The humour on board reminds me, and I’m sure many others of the great old SOD and MOD days, when even the one liners where enough to suck you in, but rest assured that the rest of the content on offer is more than well worth giving more than one shot.
A lot of the subtlety on display doesn’t sink in on the first go, not even the second, and some of the musical passages put a ton of so called ‘serious’ Death Metal bands on notice as far as I am concerned! It’s all about those riffs man, and how fucking glorious are they! This man shows so much more potential than I think many would give him credit for. Sure, he’s an A grade loon, but maybe that’s why I love this so much. As Mr. Swine stated, sometimes it’s just all about the fun!
No need whatsoever to dissect this like a half cooked Haggis on St. Andrew’s Day, just fucking get it into you and enjoy the ride, and hopefully you may also learn a thing or two about the wilderness, food safety, and people who fancy poo. What more could you ask for?
Highly Recommended. Kick back, have your arse kicked in return, and enjoy a good old belly laugh or three. Also, remember some of his tips! These could save your life one day, you never ever know!
Rating – 5/5